MaMaLiRZ

I recently turned 50 and it hit me harder than any other birthday. For the first time I saw the wrinkles and I felt the age in my bones.

Often now, I sit and wonder or lay awake and think why did the number matter? I know in reality I was only one day older than the day before. It was no surprise. Like every other date on the calendar, it came as expected.

Unfortunately, the reality is, I can no longer lie to myself. I am not climbing the hill of life, I am descending, tumbling, head first down the steep slope of the bell curve of life.

Prior big birthdays to include my 40th birthday came and went. I was not phased by the number. After all, I was still climbing the ladder of life? I had my family, my career was blossoming and I had control of the things that mattered. Or did I?

Social Media feeds are but a fake moment in time:

In truth, the divorce began shortly upon the conclusion of the marriage vows. But I was determined to make it work. I woke up positive, ready to be the change I wanted to see in The World as well as My World.

I could do it all if I wanted— Wife, mother, career, bread-winner. And I did, even if all the while I heard, I was a failure, never good enough, and incapable of success, in my own home from my husband.

Whispers once behind my back became blatant and confrontational. Foreign language slander, now understood. And yet I stayed. Obligation? Commitment? A promise? Catholic guilt? …

Not wanting to hear the “I told you sos” or the “For someone so smart you sure did make a bad decision”…

My internal dialogue previously held in confidence, needed to be said out loud, acknowledged and embraced. I was a shell of who I was before the marriage but yet speaking my truth out loud if only for my own ears, needed to be said.

Once the words were free, so was I becoming.

Thank God for the prenup! The fact about any prenup, mine was no different, is that, generally, what each individual brings into the relationship they each walk away with. I did not “take” anything from him, nor did he “take” anything from me. What I gave, I gave freely to be rid of him. All I would do it all again. The marriage, the life, the divorce and the glorious freedom.

We signed our divorce paperwork the year I turned 49. My dad gone only months prior would have been proud.

So 50, yeah, 50. My human bedrock dead, my career on the “return to the office” rocks, single mom of two young boys with a clinical narcissus for their father. But I, I WAS alone but I was not afraid.

Was this where I expected to be at 50, hell no! Am I sad, of course a little. All of life’s major events happened within the course of these two years.

So although I was and remain unafraid, it was time to accept that I am in fact on the downward slope of life. Rarely does one live to 100.

Growing old with all its faults is a privilege not all get to enjoy.

We all face our own plight in life. It is not what we will face but how. No matter how broken, we MUST stand back up.

We can blame or make excuses, but no one but you is in charge of your life. If you are in a relationship like mine, first recognize it for what it is, find your seed of strength and nourish it, until you can make the difficult decisions for yourself. Make an active decision to stay or to go… Be Unapologetic. Be Determined.

Don’t misunderstand my writings. I am NOT sad (needing pity). I am NOT disappointed (I have two beautiful boys I give my heart and soul to daily). I AM proud of all that I was, how I handled life and how I’ve overcome.

So today as once again I am called an idiot, I say to you my lost love, — nothing. You are undeserving of my energy, my response, my love or my kindness.

You no longer hold any power over me. You, a black hole, may suck no more of my light.

Truth in Word, Freedom in Truth. This is my truth, and my truth alone.