MaMaLiRZ

Good morning Doll

Hey Daddio! Happy Birthday to You, Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to youuuu, Happy Birthday to you!

Thanks Sweetheart, hahah. Don’t worry this old man will live to 112.

I’m not worried anymore. I miss you! The Boys miss you.

I know. I see it every day. I hear your conversations.

Why aren’t you haunting us like you promised? Where have you been?

Time’s different here.

Are you okay?

Yes, I told Sandy, there was much to learn. I’m going over my life trying to learn what I can from my mistakes. I made a lot, you know?

I know.

Tell your mom I’m sorry.

I will. For what?

oh, just…Everything.

Okay, I will. But everything? I think there were some good times too, no?

Oh Doll. There was so much good but mostly in spite of me, not because of me. The day Renee was born my heart filled with pride and joy. My baby girl. Strong, independent. She was and is beautiful. But I was too hard on her. I didn’t know how to be a father or an adult for that matter. And I hurt her deeply because of it. I molded her in my likeness, but yet wanted her to be different, better.  The person I wanted to be but couldn’t. I wanted more for you all. But the more, I was never able to be or give. And then I resented her for my shortcomings, not hers. I should have hugged her tighter, loved her softer.

I tried to do that for you, with Vinny too.

I know and l love you for it. But doll, you could not fill the gap I created. It was up to me. I lost her respect so long ago, and I could never acknowledge it. I couldn’t take responsibility because it would make my mistakes real.

Yes, but if you had taken responsibility, she could have healed. There was still time.

I know. But I couldn’t. My pride. My stubbornness. My hubris. It was too late.

Maybe.

It was one of my life’s biggest mistakes for not loving her openly and honestly.

I wish you could tell her.

Me too.

I think you made some peace with Vinny though, right?

I did, but not enough. I was still processing our relationship. I wasn’t fair to her.

Why?

Three babies in three years. Your mother was exhausted. Our relationship was breaking down because I was failing. All of your mother’s time was spent caring for kids and demanding that I become a man. I couldn’t. I didn’t know how. I was jealous of the time she gave to the kids, instead of me. I was not a good man. I was selfish and absorbed in false idols and impressions of what manhood should be. Your mother helped me be better, do better, but I still fell short. Your mother and I built a bridge between who I was and what I should have been. But remember, she didn’t know either. Her dad died when she was five. Her brothers carried her family and eventually ours as well. The bridge was made of planks with huge gaps and I inevitably fell through them with every step. Your mother would catch me, and pull me back up. I tried to tear her down to my level, but she never truly gave up. I thanked God every day that she stayed true to all of her vows, even when I didn’t or fell short. Your mother made me a better man. Unfortunately, I had too far to go. 77 years wasn’t enough to make me, enough. And it wasn’t her job. Vinny, your mom’s favorite, was caught in all of it. Because I was a weak man. I took my frustrations out on the smallest, most time consuming of you all.

She was a baby.

I know.

She deserved your love too.

I know.

She gave you so many chances. Her little girl’s heart needed her daddy’s love.

I know, but I was selfish.

I didn’t always understand the time before me.

I thanked God everyday that I was as good as I could be before you had any memory.

I mourn alone because of it.

I see.

I’m mad at you.

I know.

I miss you everyday, all day. Why couldn’t you be my dad for them too? Why didn’t you make it better? Why didn’t you swallow your pride? The dad I knew was honest and loving. The dad I knew had the best hugs and made everything better. You wrapped your love around me like a blanket. It was attached to my skin and I felt it everywhere I went. I never had to doubt or question it. It was omnipresent. But now you are gone and I’m naked.

I know. I see.

I wanted to be there with you, to hold your hand.

I know.

Then why? When I held you while you rested, you said there would be more time.

I knew you were hurting and it was all I could give to you. My mother was calling me, but I couldn’t tell you that.

I knew. But I selfishly wanted to believe you. I needed more time.

I know.

You chose Vinny. You took that from me.

No Doll, I gave that to her. It was all that I had left to give her. To thank her for all she did for me. To ask for her forgiveness in the only way I could. To give her my final breath.

I wanted to be there. To be the last thing that you saw.

You were.

I’m not mad at you, I just miss you so much.

I know.

Always and Forever right?

Absolutely!

Okay.

Time is different here.

Wait for us?

With hugs for all of you.

What about Earle?

I like Earle.  He is finally giving her everything she desires and all that I never could.

I like him too. But he isn’t you.

He doesn’t need to be.  He needs to be her Earle. He isn’t there to replace me.  He is the better man and has his love and kindness to give to her.   Let him fill her life with abundance.  She is finally shining.

I see.

Good.

Will you visit me soon?

Omnipresent, remember?

I love you Dad.

I love you too doll.

I can’t say goodbye.  Even now, my heart feels like it is being ripped from my chest.

I see…but it’s never goodbye.  I’m waiting, remember?

I’ll remember.

Published with the approval of all parties mentioned.

Special thank you for Sandy for making a connection when I needed it most.