MaMaLiRZ

Instead of holding my breath I hyperventilated in the gas chamber, my lungs were on fire, my thoughts focused on a way out, one it could not see. My body and mind in a dual. Overdrive, fight, flight, freeze, fawn. The oxygen fully replaced with a virulent gas had me sinking closer and closer to unconsciousness. The poison circulated through my body, no respite, zero forgiveness. I’m frozen, complete collapse.

Be responsible, everything always works out for you. You’re a lucky person. It’ll be okay.

Faint, and lightheaded I’ve fallen onto the concrete floor but not as a feather may, rather with a thud, anything else would have been graceful, and I am anything but. My eyes have long since blurred and teared out. Each vein visibly circulating blood as if the red was seeping through to the surface, the snot now dried on my face in globs and lumps. Arms limp. Ears muted. Fawn.

Brain running wild and ferocious. Oh, that beautiful, grey mass of nothing and everything. The first and last organ. The only piece of us that can linger like a run on sentence, making no sense and complete sense at once, an alternate universe and dimension while on Earth in 3D. It asks me, “Who are you” knowing full well, that I am both beaten and used as much as I am vibrant and capable. Who are you?

I am Lori carried and held high. No… he’s dead now.

I am Lori fearless and resilient. No… imposter.

I am Lori broken and defeated. No… you are a mother.

You are a mother, you are life.

Life to be given freely and without fail, always and forever.

I am Lori and I am life. I will live and breathe that life into my children. I am Lori a safe harbor. No one and no thing will render me further. I am NOT a shell. I am a void that earth has prepared, the wind has curated, and that seed has chosen.